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YOUNG READERS DISCOVER CLASSIC AUTHOR

Fri, 18 May 2012 21:13:36 +0100

(Art by the legendary Frank Frazetta!)

For much of the past several months I have been devoting much of my free time to helping to promote what is STILL my favorite motion picture of the year thus far: the Disney Studios’ release John Carter.

As I noted in this space earlier this year, this wonderfully crafted film – based on the first novel in an 11-volume series of science fiction tales penned by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the creator of Tarzan – was unfairly pegged as a “flop” even before being released and is still being referred to that way by critics and pundits who wouldn’t know a good movie if it bit them in the rump.

Not only is the label unfair, it is also inaccurate; contrary to many reports published elsewhere the film HAS made back its cost and then some, and stands to rake in even more when it is released on DVD and Blu-Ray next month. Word of mouth by those who saw the film in theatres has been almost universally positive; fans have launched several projects aimed at persuading Disney to produce a sequel, and the principal actors have all said they're ready to get to work on such a project.

One of the byproducts of all this praise and attention has been the rediscovery of the original novels by a new generation of readers who previously did not know Edgar Rice Burroughs (ERB to his fans) from Edgar Buchanan. (I’ll wait a moment for some of you older folks to explain to the kids and grandkinds who Edgar Buchanan was...)

Longtime readers of this column may recall that I have mentioned several times over the years my lifelong affection for ERB and his works. I was introduced to those works by my father, who loaned me his ERB collection when I was still a small child; I started with The Land That Time Forgot and Beyond The Farthest Star when I was in the first grade, and by the time I had completed the fourth grade I had read the entire Tarzan and Mars series (35 books in all) as well as a couple of ERB’s shorter series and several of his stand-alone novels.

It was the early 1970s and young boys all across the country were being introduced to ERB in much the same manner; for our generation he had the same impact as J.K. Rowling in more recent years. But ERB is a product of a now-distant time (the first volumes of his Mars and Tarzan series were first published in 1912), and many of the same pundits who have spent so much energy knocking down John Carter have questioned (rather rudely at times) whether ERB is still relevant to readers today.

Turns out that those naysayers are wrong AGAIN. Since the film debuted earlier this year, the novel that inspired it – A Princess Of Mars – has been one of the most downloaded digital books at Project Gutenberg; the majority of those downloading the book are said to be teens who discovered the book through the movie.

On top of that, an enterrprising young teacher in Long Beach, Calif., named Rebecca Baeder Garland used A Princess Of Mars as the focus of a reading project she created for a focus groups of 20 teen students. There was no school credit, but those who read the book and completed a questionnaire received free tickets to see John Carter.

Of the 20 students selected to participate, 14 of them actually completed the project. Of the remaining students, only one stated that she had difficulty reading the novel and that she didn’t care for it; the other five reportedly said they were unable to complete the extracurricular project due to other obligations at school and home.

Garland reported that the 14 who did complete the project all enjoyed the novels and were looking forward to reading the other books in the series. Several of them even compared the book favorably to the Harry Potter and Hunger Games stories – which, if you think about it, is a pretty decent review indeed for a novel first published half a century before the authors of those two series were even born.

Of course the ERB-hating naysayers were quick to criticize Garland’s project. One of them - a fellow named Steve Davidson, who comes across as the sort of person who probably rooted for Darth Vader, Khan and Ming the Merciless - went so far as to call the project “propaganda” involving a “captive audience.”

I’m not sure you noticed, Steve, but when you get right down to it we were ALL part of a captive audience when our teachers asked us to read A Tale of Two Cities and Huckleberry Finn and Hamlet - stories that continue to attract new generations of fans not because we were “forced” to read them but because they’re worth reading.

Kudos to teachers such as Garland for showing kids that books (and, by extension, movies and TV shows and even toys or games) do not necessarily have to be less than just a few years old to be interesting and entertaining.

As far as I’m concerned, ANY project that helps to instill in our chldren a love of reading and the written word is a worthwhile one. And if that project introduces those young readers to the works of authors like Edgar Rice Burroughs, so much the better!

FROM THE ARCHIVES: DAGWOOD'S REVENGE

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 22:33:54 +0100

Was going through a box of old papers last night and came across this piece I drew way back in 1988 and had forgotten about. Decided to scan it and share with my friends here. It's admittedly odd, but I hope you like it.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: VERONICA AS DEJAH

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 17:38:06 +0100

This is another one of those Archie-themed pieces I did some years back that I just recently decided to start sharing with my friends. Again, it's nothing spectacular but then I mainly did it just for laughs.

I Don't Care What Anyone Says; I LIKED "John Carter"

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:05:59 +0100

Every now and then I find myself in the unusual (and not always desirable) position of championing some cause that seems to fly in the face of mass public opinion. I guess it is not altogether unfair to blame my parents for this tendency; after all, they are the ones who drummed into my mind as a child the importance of standing up for what you believe, and the notion that what is popular is not always what is right.

Sometimes those battles place me on what some would consider to be the wrong side of debates concerning the burning issues of the day. I thought I might find myself in such a situation last week when I devoted my weekly newspaper column to voicing criticism of the proposed elimination of Oklahoma’s income tax; after all, nobody - and that includes me - likes having to pay taxes and so it stands to reason that anything that would reduce our tax burden is going to be popular. The problem with the plan proposed by our Governor, Republican Mary Fallin, is that it claims to be able to eliminate the income tax WITHOUT raising other taxes or eliminating funding for core state services. Now I'll be the first one to admit that I wasn't the best math student to ever pass through the hallowed halls of Bradley-Bourbonnais Community High School, but if a relative dummy like me knows something isn't adding up you can bet your granddad’s Ovaltine Decoder Ring that it's a bad idea.

So imagine my surprise when I attended the monthly Johnston County Legislative Luncheon on March 23 and heard the concerns and criticisms I voiced in my column echoed not only by Democratic State Representatives Paul Roan and Wes Hilliard, but also by Republican State Senator Frank Simpson. I’m telling you, if I had been there as a private citizen rather than as a representative for the local newspaper I would have stood up and cheered. None of which has anything to do with the REAL subject of this essay, but I'm getting to that...

More often than not, the crusades which I find myself setting out on revolve around issues that really mean little or nothing in the Grand Scheme of Things, but which for whatever reason (sometimes I’m not even sure myself) are important to me as an individual. The fact that friends and family keep telling me that these crusades are usually just a waste of time and energy generally has little impact upon my resolve and enthusiasm in such instances; others may not care but I do, and that’s good enough for me.

Case in point: My efforts in defense of the science fiction film John Carter, which was unfairly dubbed a failure by many before it was even released and accordingly has seen admittedly disappointing (yet conparatively respectful, when you look at the “big picture”) box office returns in its initial few weeks of release.

Let’s get a few “givens” out of the way before going any further...

Given No. 1: Yes, the film cost around $250 million to make but opened domestically to a modest box office of $30 million in its first weekend. (Overseas the film took in more than $70 million - that's almost $11 million MORE than The Hunger Games' international take in its first weekend - for a global opening weekend of more than $100 million, and it continues to do well overseas weeks later; for some reason, however, the naysayers refuse to take its international success into account.)

Given No. 2: Yes, I was predisposed to like John Carter no matter what. I’ve been a fan of Edgar Rice Burroughs – the author responsible for both the “John Carter of Mars” and “Tarzan” novels – ever since I read my dad’s Ace and Ballentine ERB paperbacks when I was in the third grade. For many readers of my generation - those of us who grew up in the 1960s and ‘70s – Burroughs was to us what the creators of “Harry Potter” and “Twilight” have been to my children’s generation. (Although my sons make no bones about the fact that they both prefer Burroughs to J.K. Rawling and wouldn’t touch the “Twilight” books or movies with a 10-meter cattle prod...)

Which brings us to Given No. 3, and the argument that has repeatedly been thrown in my face by some of those who have been glad to see John Carter fail. They point to the success of the recent cinematic remake of 21 Jump Street - which hit Number One in its first week of release - and tell me that the studios could make six Jump Streets for the cost of just ONE John Carter. To be fair, I've never disputed that fact. But that has nothing to do with the quality of the films in question; all six Jump Streets would still STINK in comparison to John Carter.

The argument could be made - in fact I have made it elsewhere - that Jump Street's better financial success says more about the idiocy of the modern mass audience than it does the about the actual quality of either film. Of course every time I say that I automatically get labeled as a "cinematic snob," which to some degree I suppose is true; if something doesn't appeal to me, I'm not going to waste my time with it. I didn't have to take a taste of that Brussel sprout my mother once tried to feed me to know that I wasn't going to like it, and by the same logic seeing the trailers for both 21 Jump Street and the forthcoming Three Stooges travesty was enough to convince me that they are the cinematic equivilent of that @#$! Brussel sprout. (I just wish I'd heeded the similar premonition I had last year before going to see that gawd-awful Seth Rogen Green Hornet movie...)

After nearly a month of release John Carter was still listed among the Top Five domestic moneymakers for the weekend of March 23-25, which these days is a pretty decent accomplishment when you consider all the competition movie theatres face for the public’s entertainment dollar (and even more impressive when one realizes that this was the weekend that saw teh release of the media-driven juggernaut that is The Hunger Games). There’s still future DVD sales and television distribution deals to be considered as well, both factors which have been known to drive films initially considered to be duds into the black.

Which is why such films as Head starring The Monkees and Kevin Costner's Waterworld - two decent films which both fell short of succes on their initial release - are not included on any lists of "box office bombs" that I've ever seen. Waterworld in particular took quite a drubbing, thanks in part to a merciless assault on the part of a number of critics and self-proclaimed pundits who were still cheesed off that an earlier Costner film they had dismissed as a failure prior to its release - Dances With Wolves - went on to be not only a financial success but also the first western since 1931's Cimmaron to win the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Call it Given No. 4: The profitability of home video sales has during the past several decades added additional opportunities for films to recoup losses and eventually become profitable - which in turn greatly lessens the significance of US domestic grosses as a predictor of a film's overall success. So there.

Besides, it often takes a while for audiences to realize what gems some movies are. People sometimes forget that a number of films that are almost universally hailed as popular classics today - including The Wizard of Oz, Citizen Kane and It’s A Wonderful Life - were NOT considered successes at the time they were first released. According to some articles I’ve read, The Wizard Of Oz in particular didn’t get out of the red until MGM sold the TV rights nearly two decades after its initial release. And It's A Wonderful Life pretty much owes its modern "classic" status to all those marathon TV airings during the years when the movie was believed to have fallen into the public domain.

Time is therefore clearly on John Carter's side with regard to whether the film is ultimately seen as a success or failure. It helps that the movie has generated such vocal loyalty among its fans, thousands of whom are talking the film up on the Internet and have even launched a petition asking Disney to move forward with sequel lans. (The principal actors reportedly signed on for a trilogy - and if there is room in this world for all those insipid horror film series like Saw and Final Destination and Friday The 13th, then by God surely there is room for at least one more John Carter film!)

And thank God those fans are out there, otherwise those idiots who think Avatar is the pinnacle of science fiction filmdom might never have any hope of being properly educated about not only the quality of this film, but its importance to the history of the genre. Honestly, I think if I read one more moronic comment about how John Carter "ripped off" Avatar or Star Wars, I might just be moved to violence.

What part of the public acknowledgment by George Lucas and James Cameron regarding how they were both inspired by Burroughs do these pinheads not understand? Are they purposely avoiding the many articles noting how ERB's Mars novels influenced the creations of Flash Gordon, Superman, and Star Trek, or about how the success of A Princess Of Mars also paved the way for sword-and-sorcery heroes like Conan the Barbarian and Elric of Melniboné?

One valid criticism that has been leveled against Disney has been that they mishandled the marketing of the film. A great many ERB fans have stated that the film might have performed stronger out of the gate had the ads emphasized that it was based on the works of ERB. But some of those who seem to be taking particular delight in hoping the movie will fail have countered that playing up the Burroughs connection would not have helped. One particular idiot I found myself debating with online actually had the nerve to refer to Burroughs as an "unknown author."

Unknown? Come on! We're talking about an author who made the Writer's Digest list of 100 Most Important Writers of the 20th Century. A man who has influenced the likes of Ray Bradbury, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Michael Moorcock and Carl Sagan in addition to those creators listed above. A man mentioned by name in one of the most popular novels of the past century, To Kill A Mockingbird. A man whose historical novel I Was A Barbarian bears great similiarties to the much later film Gladiator, and whose westerns The War Chief and Apache Devil portrayed Native Americans in a sympathetic light decades BEFORE the aforementioned Dances With Wolves. A writer whose most famous creation - Tarzan - is considered one of the three most important and best known fictional characters of all time (Sherlock Holmes and Superman being the other two).

Yeah, NOBODY has ever heard of this guy...

Moron.

When push comes to shove I know it's probably a losing battle. The anti-Carter crowd are hell-bent on labeling this movie as a failure, and all the information countering that preconceived notion is swept aside as inconsequential. (Hmmm.. it suddenly occurs to me that they must be fans of Fox News. Sounds like the same kind of mindset to me.) And even if the film does eventually perform well thanks to TV deals and home video sales, they'll still point to it as a bomb because it didn't make back it's entire production cost in the United States in its first day of business. (Offhand I can't think of ANY film that has managed that particular feat, but try telling that to these people.)

I don't care. Let them put it down. For me the bottom line is the power of the film itself – the effect it had on me and on others as individual audience members – rather than the beliefs of those who can’t look beyond profit margins, the lack of taste displayed by those who think Jonah Hill is funny or the ignorance of pinhead reviewers who believe that a movie based on a 100-year-old novel is somehow derivative of all these books, comics, TV shows and movies that came along later.

Based on the outpouring of love the film has received from its fans, John Carter can be only seen as a success. A qualified success, perhaps, but a success all the same. And all the finger-wagging and naysaying and lengthy lectures about Hollywood economics does not change that fact one little iota.

Leave to a Thark his head and one hand and he may yet prevail. The same is true for fans of John Carter, who will eventually be able to look back and say "We told you so!"

I’m not saying John Carter will one day be as revered as The Wizard of Oz or Star Wars. But it’s MUCH better than the naysayers and the bean counters would have you believe. And it WILL stand the test of time.

You can bank your granddad’s Ovaltine Decoder Ring on it...

FROM THE ARCHIVES: WHAT HAPPENS IN GOTHAM...

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 19:14:32 +0100

I'm sorry. I have no real explanation for this one, either...

FROM THE ARCHIVES: ANOTHER CROSSOVER IDEA

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:42:49 +0100

Those Archie-related Photoshop pics of mine that I've posted here over the past week made me remember that there are a few earlier pieces in the same vein that I did some years back but to the best of my memory have never shared. Here's one of my favorites. Hope you enjoy it.

PIC O' THE DAY: ANOTHER CROSSOVER IDEA

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 17:53:45 +0100

Here's yet a third cover for an imagined comics crossover idea i came with with the other day. Have to be honest with you, though: even I don't know what I was thinking of when this one popped into my head...

PIC O' THE DAY: "ELSEWORLDS" IDEA

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 13:34:04 +0100

Got inspired last night to do another "fantasy crossover" comic book cover like the one I posted yesterday. In this case i guess it really isn't so much a crossover as it is an "Elseworlds" or "What If?" sort of thing. Looking at it now I realize I should have included Reggie as Cyborg; maybe I'll go back later and redo it.

PIC O' THE DAY: CROSSOVER COMICS IDEA

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 20:00:49 +0100

The fellow that's been creating his own crossover comic book covers using the old DC "The Brave And The Bold" and "Super-Team Family" designs and posting them at his website (http://braveandboldlost.blogspot.com) has been providing me with so much fun that I decided to take a another stab at putting together such covers of my own. I'll grant that it's not quite as good as his work, but it was still fun to do. I've done this sort of thing off and on over the years anyway but I hadn't come up with a new one in a while until seeing some of his entries.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: "THE JOHN A. SMALL DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY SONG WRITING KIT" (1998)

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 19:00:05 +0100

This is something I did for laughs way back when, then stuck away and forgot about until i came across it while going through some old files the other day. Please understand that it was not my intention to put down country music; I happen to like a lot of country music, although most of what I like was the stuff that was recorded back before anybody ever heard of most of the big "stars" of today like Blake and Miranda what's-their-names.

Anyway, here it is...

* * *

The John A. Small Do-It-Yourself Country Song Writing Kit

Did you ever listen to a country song on the radio and say to yourself, “Shoot, I can write better drivel than that?”

Well, here’s your chance to prove it. The John Small Do-it-Yourself Country Song Writing Kit contains everything you need to join the ranks of highly-paid Nashville songwriting hacks. Soon your name can be listed there right alongside the composers of such modern classics as “Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalpost Of Life,” “Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart,” “(need another title here)” and – our personal favorite – “Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye.”

Each of the following pages contains a partially written line from an imaginary country song. Fill in each blank with one of the phrases from the list with the corresponding number that appears below. (Think of it as being sort of like Mad-Libs, but with a group of answers already there to choose from.) When every blank has been filled, you've got your lyrics; all you'll need then is a title, a tune – and maybe a couple of aspirins to clear your head.

Ready? Then let's go nuts...

FIRST, here are the lyrics with the blank you need to fill:

I met her (1.) __________ (2.)__________;

I can still recall (3.) ____________ she wore.

She was (4.) ________________ (5.)_________________,

and I knew (6.) __________________

(7.) _____________________

(8.) I'd ________________ forever;

(9.) She said to me ___________________

But who'd have thought she'd (10.) ____________ (11.) ______________;

12.) ________________ goodbye

SECOND, here are the various lines you can choose to plug into the corresponding blanks above:

1.) on the highway

in Bourbonnais

outside Ardmore

at a truck stop

quoting Shakespeare

on probation

in a treehouse

in a nightmare

incognito

in the Stone Age

in a jail cell

at my girlfriend's

at the Bijou

at my in-laws'

throwing snowballs

tossing lawn darts

smokin' grapevine

dancing the hula

selling soft drinks

picking pockets

at a sit-in

grilling hot dogs

watching TV

counting ballots

stealing Band-Aids

in the hallway

hiding nickels

stripping nekkid

riding bareback

playing poker

riding her bike

fixing potholes

at a yard sale

stuffing her bra

2.) last September

at White Castle

ridin' shotgun

wrestlin' gators

all hunched over

munchin' Pop-Tarts

sort of pregnant

with some joggers

stoned on oatmeal

with a trucker

Sunday morning

dead all over

with the Vicar

in a hot tub

in my back yard

in the dug out

on a snowplow

on a park bench

on the sidewalk

reading "Playboy"

under the table

in the bathroom

with a yardstick

from Milwaukee

reading fan mail

quite unconscious

in a cop car

pitching pennies

from a Girl Scout

on the clothesline

under the boardwalk

at her leisure

quite excited

with a big grin

3.) that purple dress

that little hat

that Carol Brady hair

that burlap bra

the “Star Wars” t-shirt

those training pants

the stolen goods

those Groucho glasses

the see-through nightie

the neon beer sign

that creepy smile

the hearing aid

the boxer shorts

the leather eyepatch

that black sports bra

that leopard skin

that Nike headband

that tattered silk shirt

the Starfleet uniform

those homemade wooden beads

that flannel nightshirt

those scarlet ribbons

the Reebok running shoes

those vinyl hotpants

the flimsy teddy

the old roller skates

that hartem harem get-up

the Princess Leia hairstyle

the raccoon skin cap

the flower apron

those rubber hip boots

the "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt

that pale white make-up

the goosedown bedspread

the one-piece swimsuit

4.) sobbin' at the toll booth

drinkin' Dr. Pepper

weighted down with Twinkies

tearin' off her clothing

crawlin' through the prairie

smellin' kind of funny

crashin' through the guardrail

on her hands and knees

talkin' in Waziri

drownin' in the quicksand

dancin’ in the tall grass

tripping over trash bags

dishing up some ice cream

sweeping off the driveway

crunching up her crackers

watching dirty movies

talkin' 'bout the old days

ripping out the fenceline

paying off some old debts

spying on her neighbors

painting on the sidewalk

glistening with oil

searching for flying saucers

sitting on the porch swing

wearing a Batgirl costume

leering at my blue jeans

talking to my mother

sitting at a computer

giving a confession

working overtime

licking a Fudgcicle

reading old love letters

5.) in the twilight

but I loved her

by the off-ramp

near Kankakee

with her Great Dane

when she shot me

on her elbows

singin’ “Hey Jude”

with Miss Piggy

with my sister

reading “Batman”

then I slugged her

in the graveyard

not really watching

playing hopscotch

with my ex-wife

but not convincing

in the alley

with her body

and taking notes

in the cold rain

under the stars

eating tuna

chewing Trident

blowing bubbles

taking orders

swapping stories

sipping Sanka

in the shower

doing cartwheels

making me hot

cursing loudly

picking her teeth

6.) no guy would ever love her more

I’d never felt this way before

she was a girl I could adore

she'd bought her dentures in a store

my life ‘til then had been a bore

I'd never rate her higher than "4"

we’d spend the night in Baltimore

it was a raven, nothing more

that we had truly lost the war

I'd have to scrape her off the floor

what strong intoxicants were for

that she was rotten to the core

that I would upchuck on the floor

I’d never eat Doritos anymore

she sells sea shells by the seashore

I’d never make it to the Valley of Dor

it was the Dark Side of the Force

why my wife had sent me to the store

she couldn’t sing like Dinah Shore

we’d feast on pheasant and wild boar

the sofa wouldn’t fit through the door

the truck was loaded with iron ore

I’d never finish the rest of my chores

she looked a bit like Tipper Gore

I’d drop my loincloth to the floor

I’d never met her kind before

she’d bean me with her apple core

it’s not just a vaccum nature abhors

she thought I looked like Mighty Thor

she’d try to feed me albacore

I’d nailed my finger to the door

she was once in the Marine Corps

she’d found what I hide in my drawer

7.) I promised her

A Klingon said

I knew deep down

My hamster thought

She asked me if

The blood test showed

I told her shrink

Her rabbi said

The judge declared

I mentioned that

My Pooh Bear said

I shrieked in fear

The painters knew

Obi-Wan said

You warned me that

I wondered if

She thought I said

Her bookie said

I thought, at worst

The gypsy screamed

The signpost read

The newsman said

A minstrel sang

Her parrot squawked

She threatened that

Her psychic said

I worried that

In a perfect world

She realized that

The tea leaves said

I asked her if

The angel said

She was frightened that

Her mother feared

A kitten purred

8.) stay with her

warp her mind

swear off booze

punch her out

pick my nose

play "Go Fish"

live off her

have this rash

stay a dwarf

hate her dog

salivate

eat her lunch

pinch her butt

drive that car

watch TV

play the fool

clean the pool

pay her bills

lick her boots

hold the ace

wash her car

watch the skies

take it easy

burn the roast

skip the rope

sail the ship

jump the tree

shoot my gun

roll on home

bite her neck

keep her check

feed her fish

sing out loud

see her daughter

9.) our love would never die

her whole life had been a lie

there was no other guy

man wasn't meant to fly

JFK was still alive

her basset hound was shy

that Rolaids made her high

“Don’t hassle me with your sighs”

she'd have a swiss on rye

she loved my one blue eye

that birthdays made her cry

she couldn't stand my tie

“Would you like to touch my thigh?”

“you’ve got to give this stuff a try”

“the rancor will have us for tea”

“You’re turning green; I wonder why?”

my pants were not yet dry

“You’ve blown it all sky high”

she’d give my idea a try

“Keep on the sunny side”

we’d meet again by-and-by

Her father’s name was Sy

she’d see me on the other side

I’d never get that kite to fly

“Do or do not; there is no try”

Greg Brady was her kind of guy

we were ahead of our time

“I don't think it's a surprise”

she liked my Superman disguise

she saw a chariot in the sky

“My uncle used to love me but she died”

she’d found an illustrated guide

the room looked like a pig sty

she’d like a cabin in the pines

“Hey Li Lee Li Lee Li!”

10.) run off

wind up

boogie

yodel

sky dive

pose natural

freak out

blast off

make it

black out

peel off

write a book

gamble

walk out

lash out

11.) with my best friend

in my Edsel

on a surfboard

on "The Gong Show"

with her dentist

in my backyard

with a robot

come the morning

at her health club

on our Maytag

without looking

with my pet snake

in a stagecoach

with no warning

and head to Fresno

12.) You'd think at least that she'd have said

I never had the chance to say

She told her dumb friend Claude to say

Now I can kiss my credit cards

I guess I was too smashed to say

I watched her melt away and sobbed

She fell beneath the wheels and cried

She sent a hired thug to say

She freaked out on the lawn and screamed

The billboard that she paid for said

I’m glad she never stopped to say

Guess she can bid her probation

I pushed her off the bridge and waved

But that's the way that pygmies say

She sealed me in the vault and smirked

HERE'S a sample I put together myself:

I met her in a treehouse last September;

I can still recall that leopard skin she wore.

She was on her hands and knees singin’ “Hey Jude,”

And I knew right away my life ‘til then had been a bore.

She asked me if I’d warp her mind forever;

She said to me JFK is still alive.

But who'd have thought she'd pose natural in my Edsel;

The billboard that she paid for said goodbye.

NOW it’s your turn; try putting together one of your own. Prove to your friends and family just how warped you can be when you really put your mind to it...