(Me at Philip José Farmer's house in 2007. This picture has absolutely nothing to do with the text below: I just thought I'd run it because I like the picture. So there.)

Announcing a special offer for all you avid “Bard Of The Lesser Boulevards” readers out there – wherever the three of you may be. 

You say that you've had it with with all those secret fraternal organizations? You know, the ones that never seem to want you as a member?

Are you feeling left out when you see your friends and neighbors come home from their big national conventions wearing their big funny hats and telling jokes that they won't let you hear?

Do you feel all this is more than just a wee bit unfair?

Then you need to join the Rev. Apocalypse P. Thunderbird Memorial Super Secret Loyal Order of By Invitation Only Club!

And just what is the RAPTSSLOOBIOC, you ask?

Well, rumor has it that the membership of the RAPTSSLOOBIOC is made up of people just like you – but it's very difficult to verify this, because the RAPTSSLOOBIOC is so secret that WE don't even know the names of our estimated 10,000 members worldwide.

In fact, most of our members don't even know that they are members. If they did… well, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore, now would it? 

That's how secret it is, friends!

As a member of the RAPTSSLOOBIOC, you will receive a funny party hat and an invitation (printed in invisible ink) to our secret national convention – to be held sometime this summer at a top secret location, which may not have even been chosen yet.

But that’s not all! Because you'll also be entitled all the rights, privileges and benefits that all members of the RAPTSSLOOBIOC have come to expect and appreciate. Whatever those rights, privileges and benefits might happen to be.

The RAPTSSLOOBIOC even has its very own secret handshake, and special password that grants you admission to RAPTSSLOOBIOC functions all across the globe. Unfortunately, our handshake and password are so secret that our founder refused to tell us what they were before he lit out for some secret destination. The only reason he didn’t take our secret slush fund with him when he left is because nobody could remember where we hid it.

Join today and receive your secret membership card, made up of a blank piece of cardboard; and a secret bill for $200 payable to our highly secret Swiss bank account.

The Rev. Apocalypse P. Thunderbird Memorial Super Secret Loyal Order of By Invitation Only Club!  Who knows, you may already be a member!

Just don't tell anyone…