This is something I did for laughs way back when, then stuck away and forgot about until i came across it while going through some old files the other day. Please understand that it was not my intention to put down country music; I happen to like a lot of country music, although most of what I like was the stuff that was recorded back before anybody ever heard of most of the big "stars" of today like Blake and Miranda what's-their-names.

Anyway, here it is...

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The John A. Small Do-It-Yourself Country Song Writing Kit


Did you ever listen to a country song on the radio and say to yourself, “Shoot, I can write better drivel than that?”

Well, here’s your chance to prove it. The John Small Do-it-Yourself  Country Song Writing Kit contains everything you need to join the ranks of highly-paid Nashville songwriting hacks. Soon your name can be listed there right alongside the composers of such modern classics as “Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalpost Of Life,” “Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart,” “(need another title here)” and – our personal favorite – “Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye.”

Each of the following pages contains a partially written line from an imaginary country song. Fill in each blank with one of the phrases from the list with the corresponding number that appears below. (Think of it as being sort of like Mad-Libs, but with a group of answers already there to choose from.) When every blank has been filled, you've got your lyrics; all you'll need then is a title, a tune – and maybe a couple of aspirins to clear your head.

Ready? Then let's go nuts...

FIRST, here are the lyrics with the blank you need to fill:

I met her (1.) __________   (2.)__________; 

I can still recall (3.) ____________ she wore.

She was (4.) ________________  (5.)_________________,


and I knew (6.) __________________


(7.) _____________________

(8.) I'd ________________ forever;


(9.) She said to me ___________________

But who'd have thought she'd (10.) ____________ (11.) ______________;

12.) ________________ goodbye

SECOND, here are the various lines you can choose to plug into the corresponding blanks above:

1.) on the highway

in Bourbonnais

outside Ardmore

at a truck stop

quoting Shakespeare

on probation

in a treehouse

in a nightmare


in the Stone Age

in a jail cell

at my girlfriend's

at the Bijou

at my in-laws'

throwing snowballs

tossing lawn darts

smokin' grapevine

dancing the hula

selling soft drinks

picking pockets

at a sit-in

grilling hot dogs

watching TV

counting ballots

stealing Band-Aids

in the hallway

hiding nickels

stripping nekkid

riding bareback

playing poker

riding her bike

fixing potholes

at a yard sale

stuffing her bra

2.) last September

at White Castle

ridin' shotgun

wrestlin' gators

all hunched over

munchin' Pop-Tarts

sort of pregnant

with some joggers

stoned on oatmeal

with a trucker

Sunday morning

dead all over

with the Vicar

in a hot tub

in my back yard

in the dug out

on a snowplow

on a park bench

on the sidewalk

reading "Playboy"

under the table

in the bathroom

with a yardstick

from Milwaukee

reading fan mail

quite unconscious

in a cop car

pitching pennies

from a Girl Scout

on the clothesline

under the boardwalk

at her leisure

quite excited

with a big grin

3.) that purple dress

that little hat

that Carol Brady hair

that burlap bra

the “Star Wars” t-shirt

those training pants

the stolen goods

those Groucho glasses

the see-through nightie

the neon beer sign

that creepy smile

the hearing aid

the boxer shorts

the leather eyepatch

that black sports bra

that leopard skin

that Nike headband

that tattered silk shirt

the Starfleet uniform

those homemade wooden beads

that flannel nightshirt

those scarlet ribbons

the Reebok running shoes

those vinyl hotpants

the flimsy teddy

the old roller skates

that hartem harem get-up

the Princess Leia hairstyle

the raccoon skin cap

the flower apron

those rubber hip boots

the "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt

that pale white make-up

the goosedown bedspread

the one-piece swimsuit

4.) sobbin' at the toll booth

drinkin' Dr. Pepper

weighted down with Twinkies

tearin' off her clothing

crawlin' through the prairie

smellin' kind of funny

crashin' through the guardrail

on her hands and knees

talkin' in Waziri

drownin' in the quicksand

dancin’ in the tall grass

tripping over trash bags

dishing up some ice cream

sweeping off the driveway

crunching up her crackers

watching dirty movies

talkin' 'bout the old days

ripping out the fenceline

paying off some old debts

spying on her neighbors

painting on the sidewalk

glistening with oil

searching for flying saucers

sitting on the porch swing

wearing a Batgirl costume

leering at my blue jeans

talking to my mother

sitting at a computer

giving a confession

working overtime

licking a Fudgcicle

reading old love letters

5.) in the twilight

but I loved her

by the off-ramp

near Kankakee

with her Great Dane

when she shot me

on her elbows

singin’ “Hey Jude”

with Miss Piggy

with my sister

reading “Batman”

then I slugged her

in the graveyard

not really watching

playing hopscotch

with my ex-wife

but not convincing

in the alley

with her body

and taking notes

in the cold rain

under the stars

eating tuna

chewing Trident

blowing bubbles

taking orders

swapping stories

sipping Sanka

in the shower

doing cartwheels

making me hot

cursing loudly

picking her teeth

6.) no guy would ever love her more

I’d never felt this way before

she was a girl I could adore

she'd bought her dentures in a store

my life ‘til then had been a bore

I'd never rate her higher than "4" 

we’d spend the night in Baltimore

it was a raven, nothing more          

that we had truly lost the war     

I'd have to scrape her off the floor  

what strong intoxicants were for      

that she was rotten to the core       

that I would upchuck on the floor 

I’d never eat Doritos anymore

she sells sea shells by the seashore

I’d never make it to the Valley of Dor

it was the Dark Side of the Force

why my wife had sent me to the store

she couldn’t sing like Dinah Shore

we’d feast on pheasant and wild boar

the sofa wouldn’t fit through the door

the truck was loaded with iron ore

I’d never finish the rest of my chores

she looked a bit like Tipper Gore

I’d drop my loincloth to the floor

I’d never met her kind before

she’d bean me with her apple core

it’s not just a vaccum nature abhors

she thought I looked like Mighty Thor

she’d try to feed me albacore

I’d nailed my finger to the door

she was once in the Marine Corps

she’d found what I hide in my drawer

7.) I promised her                    

A Klingon said    

I knew deep down                    

My hamster thought    

She asked me if                       

The blood test showed  

I told her shrink                      

Her rabbi said    

The judge declared  

I mentioned that      

My Pooh Bear said              

I shrieked in fear                        

The painters knew                        

Obi-Wan said

You warned me that

I wondered if

She thought I said

Her bookie said

I thought, at worst

The gypsy screamed

The signpost read

The newsman said

A minstrel sang

Her parrot squawked

She threatened that

Her psychic said

I worried that

In a perfect world

She realized that

The tea leaves said

I asked her if

The angel said

She was frightened that

Her mother feared

A kitten purred

8.) stay with her                             

warp her mind       

swear off booze                       

punch her out   

pick my nose   

play "Go Fish"       

live off her    

have this rash         

stay a dwarf 

hate her dog


eat her lunch

pinch her butt

drive that car

watch TV

play the fool

clean the pool

pay her bills

lick her boots

hold the ace

wash her car

watch the skies

take it easy

burn the roast

skip the rope

sail the ship

jump the tree

shoot my gun

roll on home

bite her neck

keep her check

feed her fish

sing out loud

see her daughter

9.) our love would never die

her whole life had been a lie

there was no other guy

man wasn't meant to fly

JFK was still alive

her basset hound was shy

that Rolaids made her high

“Don’t hassle me with your sighs”

she'd have a swiss on rye

she loved my one blue eye

that birthdays made her cry

she couldn't stand my tie

“Would you like to touch my thigh?”

“you’ve got to give this stuff a try”

“the rancor will have us for tea”

“You’re turning green; I wonder why?”

my pants were not yet dry

“You’ve blown it all sky high”

she’d give my idea a try

“Keep on the sunny side”

we’d meet again by-and-by

Her father’s name was Sy

she’d see me on the other side

I’d never get that kite to fly

“Do or do not; there is no try”

Greg Brady was her kind of guy

we were ahead of our time

“I don't think it's a surprise”

she liked my Superman disguise

she saw a chariot in the sky

“My uncle used to love me but she died”

she’d found an illustrated guide

the room looked like a pig sty

she’d like a cabin in the pines

“Hey Li Lee Li Lee Li!”

10.) run off

wind up



sky dive

pose natural

freak out

blast off 

make it

black out

peel off

write a book


walk out

lash out 

11.) with my best friend

in my Edsel

on a surfboard

on "The Gong Show"

with her dentist

in my backyard

with a robot

come the morning

at her health club

on our Maytag

without looking

with my pet snake

in a stagecoach

with no warning

and head to Fresno

12.) You'd think at least that she'd have said

I never had the chance to say

She told her dumb friend Claude to say

Now I can kiss my credit cards

I guess I was too smashed to say

I watched her melt away and sobbed

She fell beneath the wheels and cried

She sent a hired thug to say

She freaked out on the lawn and screamed

The billboard that she paid for said

I’m glad she never stopped to say

Guess she can bid her probation

I pushed her off the bridge and waved

But that's the way that pygmies say

She sealed me in the vault and smirked

HERE'S a sample I put together myself:

I met her in a treehouse last September; 

I can still recall that leopard skin she wore.

She was on her hands and knees singin’ “Hey Jude,”

And I knew right away my life ‘til then had been a bore.

She asked me if I’d warp her mind forever;

She said to me JFK is still alive.

But who'd have thought she'd pose natural in my Edsel;

The billboard that she paid for said goodbye.

NOW it’s your turn; try putting together one of your own. Prove to your friends and family just how warped you can be when you really put your mind to it...