A Message From VAST (Vociferous Americans Sensing Trouble)

A Subsidiary of the Tea Party Institute for Creative Mind Control

• Do you believe that the United States Government covered up the crash-landing of a spacecraft from another world in Roswell, New Mexico in July of 1947?

• Are you convinced that the Apollo moon landings actually took place on a Hollywood soundstage?

• Have you recently spotted Elvis Presley wolfing down a large Canadian Bacon and Anchovy at Simple Simon’s Pizza?

• Are you tired of people laughing at your suspicions that the death of Marilyn Monroe, the JFK assassination, Watergate, Waco, the crash of TWA Flight 800, Wendy's sea-salt fries, the success of Lady Gaga, Ted Turner's hair and Disney’s acquisition of Marvel Comics are all part of some all-encompassing plot on the part of dimension-traveling aliens hell-bent on destroying the space-time continuum?

• Do you feel Glenn Beck is a national hero?

• Do you find yourself fantasizing about spending a quiet evening alone with Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann?

Then, friends, do we have a club for you!

V.A.S.T. – Vociferous Americans Sensing Trouble – is an organization for those who are convinced that there are all sorts of conspiracies lurking out there in the bushes of some grassy knoll or hiding in the basement next to the monster that lives behind the furnace. Join us today and you can rest comfortably from now on, secure in the knowledge that the next time someone mentions the V.A.S.T. Conspiracy Theory, you’ll be one of the few to know just what the @#%! they’re talking about!

So send in your annual membership fee of $17.76 today and join the growing bastion of clear-headed, right-thinking Americans who know what’s really going on. Write to: V.A.S.T., P.O. Box 62, Tishomingo, Ok 73460. And remember: your tax-deductible donations will help us send a couple of poor, struggling newspaper writers and several well-endowed ladies of questionable repute to Rush Limbaugh’s summer villa in Saskatchewan for a well-deserved vacation.

(This offer void where prohibited - meaning anyplace where some degree of common sense and the ability to think for one's self still exists.)