I GUESS I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY...
October 17, 2013
I've heard a lot of people spouting off in recent years about things they as individuals think are “un-American.” As if they as individuals – individuals who, as it happens, weren’t even there in Philadelphia when the Founding Fathers were bickering back and forth putting together the plan that got this country up and running in the first place – are somehow qualified to make a determination for the rest of us as to what is and is not “American.”
Well, a recent incident at home (which, in order to prevent further amusement on the part of my family, I won’t go into detail about just now, other than to say Saturday morning TV and the comic book world have sure gone downhill) set me off on a rant that ended with me sitting down and compiling my own list of things that I as an individual think are un-American. I know a lot of people are not going to agree with me. But you know what? I don’t care. I don’t agree with a lot of them, either.
And, this being America, I’m every bit as entitled to my list as they are to theirs. So stick THAT in your pipe and blow bubbles with it.
Things I Think Are Un-American
(in no particular order)
• Saturday mornings without Bugs Bunny, Space Ghost and Archie.
• Stores that don’t sell penny candy. (Do kids nowadays even know about such things? If not, then that's un-American too.)
• Stores that don't have spinner racks full of the latest comic books - the good, fun comic books we used to buy as kids for 10 cents to a quarter apiece, not this modern junk that costs anywhere from $3 to $5 for a single issue and feature stories that are so dark and depressing that you can’t tell the hero from the villain.
• Paying more than a quarter for a cup of coffee.
• Whipped cream in coffee.
• People who don’t read newspapers.
• The idea that Will Ferrell or Adam Sandler are funnier than Abbott and Costello or The Marx Brothers. I’ve got news for you; they’re NOT. Not even close.
• Coke Zero.
• Having to drive more than five or 10 miles to find your closest model railroading shop.
• Banning books - for ANY reason.
• TV sportscasters who insist on referring to football games as “epic battles.” Bunker Hill was an epic battle. The Alamo was an epic battle. Gettysburg, San Juan Hill and Normandy were epic battles. The “Battle of the Axe,” the “Red River Rivalry” and (insert your favorite NFL rivalry here) are just football games, for crying out loud!!!!
• Pretzels in your M&Ms.
• Typing on a telephone.
• Bowling alleys that don’t sell chocolate shakes at their concession stands.
• The idea that plastic pop bottles are better than glass.
• People who buy Lego sets and only build what's pictured on the box, instead of using their imaginations and coming up with their own designs.
• People who spend all their time watching other people’s lives on these so-called “reality shows” instead of going out and living their own lives.
• People who spend so much time researching their family history that they never find the time to do things that might make their own lives interesting to future researchers.
• Changing Superman’s and Wonder Woman’s uniforms.
• Having Superman kill his enemy.
• People who say snotty things about Adam West’s Batman.
• Almonds instead of peanuts in your Snickers bar.
• The Johnny Depp version of The Lone Ranger.
• Bags of jellybeans without any licorice flavored ones.
• Church groups that hold hateful, bigotry-fueled protest marches at funerals – or anywhere else, for that matter.
• Any record collection that doesn’t include at least one album by Johnny Cash, the Statler Brothers, The Kingston Trio and Frank Sinatra.
• People who uproot and move to a new town halfway across the country because they say they like it better there, and then spend all their time trying to make their new hometown more like the one they moved away from.
• Honey buns that cost a dollar.
• The Ku Klux Klan.
• Having to spend more to feed a family of four at a fast food joint than my parents used to spend to feed a family of five at a fancy steakhouse.
• Bookstores and public libraries that don’t carry the works of Edgar Rice Burroughs or Philip José Farmer.
• People who mistreat their dogs.
• Hamburgers with bread so thick and so much other glop piled on it that you can’t taste the meat. Listen, if I want a salad I'll order a salad.
• People who spend more time worrying about the latest development in the lives of any and all Kardashians than they do about a neighbor or family member in need.
• Vegetarian pizza.
• Buying toys and never taking them out of the package to play with them.
• Driving through Toledo, Ohio, without paying a visit to Tony Packo’s.
• Talking while the band plays “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
• Heckling Bill Cosby.
• Halloween without at least one viewing of Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein and The Ghost And Mr. Chicken.
• White chocolate peanut butter cups.
• So-called “Christians” who half their time on Facebook saying "If you love Jesus do this, if you love Jesus do that," and the rest of the time arguing in favor of eliminating programs that help those in need and spreading lies about the President. Hey, here's an idea: If you love Jesus, STOP BEING A HYPOCRITE!
• Badmouthing George Lucas.
• Blackballing Ronald McDonald.
• Iced coffee. Bleeech...
• Rush Limbaugh. Double bleeech...
• Kellogg's apparent decision to stop selling their Concord Grape flavored Pop-Tarts. I can't find them anywhere anymore, and that was my favorite kind.
• In a similar vein, Kraft's decision to discontinue sale of their Chicken Noodles dinner. That was a evening meal staple in my family for decades. Jerks....
• Jann Wenner's boneheaded refusal to allow The Monkees into The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.
• A Charlie Brown Christmas airing anywhere but on CBS.
• Turkey burgers.
Did I mention Saturday mornings without Bugs Bunny, Space Ghost and Archie, and stores without spinner racks...?
Posted by John Allen Small. Posted In : Opinion
John A. Small is an award-winning newspaper journalist, columnist and broadcaster whose work has been honored by the Oklahoma Press Association, the Society of Professional Journalists, the Associated Press, the National Newspaper Association, and the Oklahoma Education Association. He and his wife Melissa were married in 1986; they have two sons, Joshua Orrin (born 1991) and William Ian (born 1996).
Mr. Small is the News Editor and columnist for the Johnston County Capital-Democrat, a weekly newspaper headquartered in Tishomingo, OK. He obtained his nickname, "Bard of the Lesser Boulevards," from a journalism colleague - the late Phil Byrum - in recognition of the success of his popular newspaper column, "Small Talk." (In addition to the many awards the column itself has received over the years, a radio version of "Small Talk" earned an award for "Best Small Market Commentary" from the Society of Professional Journalists in 1998.)
John was born in Oklahoma City in 1963; lived in the Bradley-Bourbonnais-Kankakee area of Illinois for most of the next 28 years (with brief sojourns in Texas and Athens, Greece, thrown in to break up the monotony); then returned to his native state in 1991, where he currently resides in the Tishomingo/Ravia area. He graduated from Bradley-Bourbonnais Community High School in 1981, and received his bachelor's degree in journalism from Olivet Nazarene University in Bourbonnais in 1991. The years between high school and college were a period frought with numerous exploits and misadventures, some of which have become the stuff of legend; nobody was hurt along the way, however, which should count for something.
In addition to his professional career as a journalist he has published two short story collections: "Days Gone By: Legends And Tales Of Sipokni West" (2007), a collection of western stories; and "Something In The Air" (2011), a more eclectic collection. He was also a contributor to the 2005 Locus Award-nominated science fiction anthology "Myths For The Modern Age: Philip Jose Farmer's Wold Newton Universe," edited by Win Scott Eckert. In additon he has written a stage play and a self-published cookbook; served as project editor for a book about the JFK assassination entitled "The Men On The Sixth Floor"; and has either published or posted on the Internet a number of essays, stories and poems.
He has also won writing awards from the Veterans of Foreign Wars and the National Library of Poetry. He is a past president of the Johnston County Chamber of Commerce in Tishomingo; was a charter member and past president of the Johnston County Reading Council, the local literacy advocacy and "friends of the library" organization; served as Johnston County's first-ever Americans with Disabilities Act coordinator in 1994-95; served two terms as chairman of the Johnston County (OK) Democratic Party; and has taught journalism classes for local Boy Scout Merit Badge Fairs. He is a member of the New Wold Newton Meteorics Society.
