REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM*
(* - A Latin term that means "the refutation of a proposition by demonstrating the inevitably absurd conclusion to which it would logically lead.")
You know what? I give up. I surrender. You’ve convinced me. I admit it, I was wrong. White flag. Uncle.
A fellow can take only so much hate mail and so many beatings about the head and shoulders with a proverbial two-by-four before he finally reaches the conclusion that he has engaged himself in a losing battle and capitulates. And so, effective immediately, you’ll hear no more from this corner regarding such nonsense as compassion and caring.
What was I thinking anyway?
Help my fellow man? Balderdash!
Extend a hand to those in need? Tommyrot!
Care for those less fortunate than myself? Say, what are you – some kind of communist or something?
What's mine is mine, by golly! Why should I be expected to do anything for anybody else? If there are others who haven’t gotten the same breaks in life that I have, well, tough toenails.
Ebenezer Scrooge had it right all along. To edge one’s way along the crowded paths of life, warning all human sympathy to keep its distance – aye, that’s the ticket! It’s just a pity those blasted liberal bleeding heart spirits came along and made such a snivelling pantywaist out of the old boy...
So that’s it, then. Don’t hassle me with your sob stories and your big talk about doing unto others, because I’ve seen the light. I’ve got mine; go get your own. The milk of human kindness is just so much old cottage cheese.
But if I’m going to this, I’m going to do it right. No halfway measures or meaningless gestures for this convert, no sirree Bob. If I’m cutting off, I’m cutting off across the board.
No more donations or assistance to school groups of any kind. You’re getting enough of my tax dollars already.
Support for local firefighters or veterans groups? Hey, they knew the job was dangerous when they took it.
Affordable health care for all? Fundraisers for those with medical needs? Seems rather pointless, don’t you think? What was that Scrooge said about the surplus population...?
Support for senior citizens programs? Who do those old people think they are, anyway? Why didn’t they save up while they had the chance?
Blood drives? Ha!
And I don’t think we’ll be buying any of those Girl Scout cookies anymore, either. I’ll just have to figure out a way to get my Thin Mint fix someplace else, I guess.
But why stop there?
I’ve submitted a letter to that church organization I belonged to in college, demanding a refund of the sponsorship money my wife and I provided to that little boy in Africa 20-some years ago. I never should have let them hoodwink me into thinking I could really make a difference in the life of some foreigner.
Come to think of it, I may just ask my lawyer to draft an itemized list for my sons showing the cost of food, shelter, medical expenses and other amenities they’ve received over the years. Do you realize all things I could have been doing for myself if I hadn’t been so needlessly concerned about always having to provide for those two? I demand compensation!
And now that I’ve come around to this new and more enlightened way of thinking, there are a few other suggestions I’d like to make. Let’s start with the American flag. Those Red stripes have got to go! And if you stand on your head and squint real hard, don’t those stars look a little bit like pentagrams...?
And maybe rewriting the Bible to reflect this conservative point of view isn’t such a bad idea after all. The Sermon on the Mount was probably just the result of a faulty translation... or the deliberate work of some radical liberal element in the early church. And that incident between Jesus and the Money Changers in the Temple? Obviously just a misunderstanding...
Yes, turning a blind eye on mankind is certainly an easier way to live. And I’ll have more for myself. So why not?
Why not? I’ll tell you why not.
Because it’s wrong. Because it’s cruel.
And because I honestly don’t think I could live with myself – or look my children in the eye – if I were to ever stoop so low as to live in such a selfish manner.
Yes, charity begins at home. But the last time I looked, this planet IS my home. And all the inhabitants thereof my brothers and sisters, regardless of race or creed or religious affiliation or ice cream flavor preferences.
If I’m going to err in this life, by golly, I’m going to err on the side of brotherhood and benevolence. It may not help me pay my bills. It may get me labelled with all manner of negative epithets by those who believe me a fool. It may even cause me some pain along the way.
But at least I’ll be hurting with a clear conscience.
In : Opinion
Tags: rant
John A. Small is an award-winning newspaper journalist, columnist and broadcaster whose work has been honored by the Oklahoma Press Association, the Society of Professional Journalists, the Associated Press, the National Newspaper Association, and the Oklahoma Education Association. He and his wife Melissa were married in 1986; they have two sons, Joshua Orrin (born 1991) and William Ian (born 1996).
Mr. Small is the News Editor and columnist for the Johnston County Capital-Democrat, a weekly newspaper headquartered in Tishomingo, OK. He obtained his nickname, "Bard of the Lesser Boulevards," from a journalism colleague - the late Phil Byrum - in recognition of the success of his popular newspaper column, "Small Talk." (In addition to the many awards the column itself has received over the years, a radio version of "Small Talk" earned an award for "Best Small Market Commentary" from the Society of Professional Journalists in 1998.)
John was born in Oklahoma City in 1963; lived in the Bradley-Bourbonnais-Kankakee area of Illinois for most of the next 28 years (with brief sojourns in Texas and Athens, Greece, thrown in to break up the monotony); then returned to his native state in 1991, where he currently resides in the Tishomingo/Ravia area. He graduated from Bradley-Bourbonnais Community High School in 1981, and received his bachelor's degree in journalism from Olivet Nazarene University in Bourbonnais in 1991. The years between high school and college were a period frought with numerous exploits and misadventures, some of which have become the stuff of legend; nobody was hurt along the way, however, which should count for something.
In addition to his professional career as a journalist he has published two short story collections: "Days Gone By: Legends And Tales Of Sipokni West" (2007), a collection of western stories; and "Something In The Air" (2011), a more eclectic collection. He was also a contributor to the 2005 Locus Award-nominated science fiction anthology "Myths For The Modern Age: Philip Jose Farmer's Wold Newton Universe," edited by Win Scott Eckert. In additon he has written a stage play and a self-published cookbook; served as project editor for a book about the JFK assassination entitled "The Men On The Sixth Floor"; and has either published or posted on the Internet a number of essays, stories and poems.
He has also won writing awards from the Veterans of Foreign Wars and the National Library of Poetry. He is a past president of the Johnston County Chamber of Commerce in Tishomingo; was a charter member and past president of the Johnston County Reading Council, the local literacy advocacy and "friends of the library" organization; served as Johnston County's first-ever Americans with Disabilities Act coordinator in 1994-95; served two terms as chairman of the Johnston County (OK) Democratic Party; and has taught journalism classes for local Boy Scout Merit Badge Fairs. He is a member of the New Wold Newton Meteorics Society.
